White-Knuckle Not Bingeing and YAWN.

I haven’t posted in several days because, ya know, Life. Last week was the end of our grading period + I had some obligations I had to take care of this past weekend, which did not feel like a weekend in the traditional sense, since I got up an hour earlier than I usually do both days and then worked up to the evening. Actually, last night, I worked into the evening, too: lesson plans after the other stuff was done.

As far as compulsively overeating/binge eating, I’m hanging in right now, meaning, I’m NOT doing it,  although it’s hard. I have to remind myself that I cannot fall into what has/had become a “usual” pattern for me, which is to forget what I am/was trying to do with healthy eating… but to be honest–this site IS called “The Biggest Liar,” you know, and that’s because this addiction of mine “whispers” lies in my ear.

So I’ll tell the truth: to say that I “forget” about mindful eating is to spew bullshit. I don’t forget. It’s a total choice to ditch what I know is the right thing to do for myself and dive face-first into food, most commonly ice cream or some other sweet. I know my pattern and I also know without a doubt that when I get super busy and focused only on doing for others or my job(s), it triggers binge eating, or at least a strong desire to do it.

One thing I’m realizing is, I need to have a set in stone rule of what I will and won’t do with my time–like, protecting the time I need to decompress, like time to write, and time to go for a walk, and time to just–BE–without multi-tasking.
It’s not so much about setting the rule with other people: it’s setting it with myself: I’m obsessive-compulsive about getting certain things done every single weekend, because I like living in a clean house, and I cohabit with three big dogs (and a husband) whose various activities (like breathing, in the case of one of my dogs), leave behind hair, sand, dust, dirt, and so on. I find a lot of comfort in a tidy, clean environment, and I frequently spend the majority of every Saturday cleaning, shopping, cooking for the week ahead, etc. It’s always my goal to “save” Sundays for writing, which feels like “dessert” to me. I love it. It might feel like work to other people, but to me, it’s an escape and it’s relaxing.
Didn’t happen yesterday, though, because I had too much other stuff going on.

P.S. Don’t suggest a housekeeping service, mmkay? My husband and I have discussed it, and we are both too “ooged out” by the idea of somebody coming into our home.

My day job is super demanding. Lots of grading. Lots of thinking. I have about 140 students, which is 50 more students than I had last year, and their group as a whole is rowdier. My job is not “rough” in the same way it’s been “rough” in the urban schools I’ve worked in, but the demands ARE “rough.”

I can’t help but think that part of the reason I’m exhausted, too, is that I have sleep apnea, and I’m not getting good solid rest at night. I wake up tired, even after getting 9 hours of sleep. I see a sleep doctor on the 20th for a consultation regarding a sleep study. Sleep apnea is also the co-morbidity that will qualify me for gastric sleeve surgery.

Which brings me to another eating trigger I know I have: fatigue.

So, let’s talk triggers:  we have :

1. Being overwhelmed with Too Much To Do ( some of it self-imposed, I know, given my relative inability to just ignore my house being messy) and rewarding myself with food;

2. Fatigue;

3. Physical pain, like migraines..

4. ….[trying to think of another one…oh, yes]: anger/rage. Big ‘un.

So, I’m really struggling right now, but I know I can do this: I know I can maintain the “correct” eating. (That’s the phrase I use to describe it when I’m practicing non-bingeing eating behaviors). I’m not going to backslide into binge eating, making excuses in my head, and listening to The Biggest Liar tell me I should be able to eat like other people, because I can’t. I’ll slide into the behaviors that trigger self-hating thoughts and I’m going into my 3rd week of NOT doing that.

On that note, I’m off to bed. As you can guess, I’m tired.