Change

Update: nearly 2 months out from surgery

Hey, ho. I’ve considered deleting this website since I feel like I’m just living my life now, no longer in the high anxiety place of hoping and wondering if my insurance will clear me for the surgery. I’ve adjusted to this new life. I really don’t even think about the weight coming off. I like the “tool” I have–the sleeve–it helps a lot. I still have an eating disordered brain and I’ve been aware of its dysfunction long enough to know that it’s something that will never go away. I still have automatic thoughts of pigging out when I feel stressed, but I’m not acting on them.

I’m sad to report that my daily migraines have returned in spite of taking Gabapentin and having Botox shots. I keep hoping the Botox will “kick in,” because last time I had it done, I was practically headache free within a couple of weeks. I had my Botox treatment around March 19 and I am still getting headaches. I’m working out in spite of getting them and just taking my rescue meds daily. Still quite disappointing. I really liked being headache free for a while.

The other day a coworker told me that I wasn’t that big to begin with. It’s a common thing I’ve heard since I began this, even though I had sleep apnea (I don’t anymore!) and the hip pain I have was worse than it is now. AND, my BMI is no longer in the “obese” category. Now I suppose I’ve gone down to “fluffy.” My clothes are looser in places.

I’m glad I don’t feel like a different person with respect to being obsessed with what I look like or the scale. I weigh every few weeks instead of daily because I refuse to have a metal device that reports my gravitational pull on the earth as the determining factor of what I think of myself today. Or tomorrow.

A lot of people think that when they lose weight, their entire life will be different. Having been through a major weight loss before, I already know that being lighter doesn’t make everything perfect. That’s why it’s not a good idea to live one’s entire life thinking “…and when I get thin, ________, __________, and _________ will be perfect.”

Because it won’t.

Share

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *