Surfin’ the Urge(s) & Steadyin’ On

This picture relates in no way to my post except I like it. Gorgeous, huh?

Hey-o, just a note or two with an update, since I’m trying to post at least once a week & I’m a little late…I’ll warn you now, this stuff’s pretty ho-hum, but I’m writing it for me and I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who reads this stuff anyway.

Up Next in the World of Appointments
This week, I have my 2nd meeting with the nutritionist for a weigh-in. I know I’ve lost at least 10 pounds. I then go to the fitness center at the hospital to have a fitness assessment. I go from that appointment to meet with the doctor who will (hopefully) help me with a different issue I’m having that is still related to weight stuff but it’s for stuff that’s happened at least in part because I regained weight, and it’s likely I’m looking at surgery to fix it since it’s past the point of no return.

I’ll wrap up the week with an overnight sleep study (part 2) for sleep apnea that’s definitely related to weight gain. They have to titrate the CPAP machine to get the airflow correct to keep my airway open when I sleep.

This pic reminds me of a song by David Wilcox called ALL THE ROOTS GROW DEEPER. It’s about how people grow and learn and become more real when they go through loss and struggle.

Surfin’ Urges
I haven’t binged since before October 18. Came a little close early in the past week, but I rode it out. There’s something to be said for physical pain being a reminder about (1) why I ended up with said pain and (2) why I’m going through this process of life change. Also, knowing I can’t gain even an ounce or Aetna will deem me unworthy of a weight loss procedure (let that soak in, ha ha ha), goes far to motivating me to behave myself. Imagine how crazy this is: the knowledge that I am accountable for weighing in on a device that merely reports the pull of gravity on my body is enough to keep me on the straight and narrow.
[Shakes head.] I’m so weird.

I’ve really been working at using the tools I learned about distraction, especially since the meds my doctor gave me to try to help with the pain I’m dealing with ended up triggering migraines, so I kinda got hit with a double whammy. Part of the reason I regained 70+ pounds was that I was using food to cope with pain, which I’m sure sounds weird to a lot of people who DON’T eat when they’re in pain–but I crave sweets & carbs even more at that time, probably because food is how I numbed everything else that hurt since I was young. But, I’ve been proving to myself that I can handle it without that stuff. I knew that at one time but allowed myself to slip, slide, and wallow around on the floor atop Vanilla Oreos, Cookies & Cream ice cream, and Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal. When I worked near a Braum’s, soft-serve frozen yogurt contributed to the slippery surface I was already on. The longer I worked at that job, the more I became aware that I was ready to move on, and I often “treated” myself to frozen yogurt after work because I was feeling unappreciated and frustrated during the day.
All that got me is to where I am now, soooooo…
Ah, but I can only focus on where I am now, right? I’ve been following the basic “ideas” in Pam Peeke M.D.’s The Hunger Fix. I’m adding it to the list of Books I Mention Here. It’s basically the way I’ll need to eat after my sleeve–that is–P & P–protein & produce–plus it keeps my blood sugar stable & that helps.

There are days that where I am and where I am trying to reach feels as far away as if someone told me I had to shimmy up this tree in order to reach the sunlight. Somethin’ tells me I’d find a way if it was either drag my ass up that tree or die.

Steadyin’ On
My day job has been incredibly stressful this year. I still love where I work, but it’s just a lot more challenging this year for a few reasons unrelated to the quality of the people I work with/for. Because the work load is so much heavier right now, I walk a constant line of trying to balance attempting to keep up with all the demands to the point that I neglect positive self-care. I struggle with perfectionism anyway, plus I’m obsessive-compulsive, and when I am anxious–as I am about most likely having surgery within the next few weeks–I try to cope with those feelings by being a control freak and setting goals for myself to accomplish–then I get kinda frustrated when my body’s not cooperating with my plans because of fatigue or pain–and those are the times when I had been turning to food. Now, though, I do what I used to do when I learned how to take care of myself in a positive way: when I’m tired, like on the weekends when I push myself so hard to get a bunch of domestic goddessing (housework) done, I do something radical: I lay down and take a nap.
Dare to dream, right?

Feeding the Soul
Know how I talked about positive self-care and taking time for myself? I totally need to write–like, creatively–on a daily basis. But that knowledge of needing this to feed my soul is still not enough to keep my eyes open at the end of a long day where I’ve had to “hit reset and turn on” every time a new class walks in (8 times a day). I can’t help but think that sleep apnea is not helping matters, either.
I’m so mentally drained on weekdays when I walk out of the building at 3:45 or 4:00 that creative thinking is a high demand to make, and I basically tip-toe from my car to my house because walking is painful.
I’ll be glad when “this part” is over. My blog posts will probably improve by leaps and bounds…